


Love hurts. But it doesn't have to.

by AnnaTheHank



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Canon, metaphysical torture, minor gabriel redemption arch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-12-27 07:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21115370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaTheHank/pseuds/AnnaTheHank
Summary: In an attempt to 'reeducate' Aziraphale, heaven makes it so he doesn't remember the last 1500 years or so. Crowley has to make Aziraphale fall in love with him all over again. Which is kind of hard with heaven keeping a close eye on them again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> uh. Don't look at me?  
I swear to you that the next two chapters aren't going to be so, uh, that.  
but y'all know me, it may hurt for a while but it'll all be gouda in the end <3

Aziraphale blinked, rubbed his eyes, and even pinched himself. It had to be a dream. Or something like that. A hallucination maybe? He sat up and called out Crowley’s name. No response. He looked around, but saw nothing. He had fallen asleep in bed next to Crowley, dressed in comfy pajamas, and now he was in an empty, white room wearing robes. 

Heaven, he thought. But did not want to believe.

He was shaking but he got to his feet. This was no time to sit and panic. He had to figure out what was going on. He was in a room. It was impossible to see the walls, of course, but he could feel them, fingers running around them as he mapped out the space of the room. At least it was a fairly large room. No indication of a door, however. 

Not heaven. Please not heaven.

A pop, followed by a shiver of static electricity in the air. There was a presence behind him. Aziraphale gulped and turned around. Gabriel. Also in robes. He was...different. He looked almost peaceful, as he had before, back in Eden, back before the fall. It wasn’t the Gabriel Aziraphale was used to. 

“Hello, Aziraphale,” Gabriel said. His hands were folded before him, disappearing into the sleeves of his robe. Aziraphale looked down at his own robes, they were shorter. “How are you feeling?”

Aziraphale opened his mouth. But. What was he feeling? He should be angry. Or scared. They had kidnapped him. And he didn’t know where Crowley was. But he felt calm. Neutral. Not quite at peace but closer to it. He shook his head. It didn’t make sense.

“Good.” Gabriel stepped up to him. Aziraphale should be afraid. He should move. He didn’t. “That means the room is working.”

Ah. That explained it. A calming room. They had been used back in the day, when they had hoped that setting rebellious angels in here would fix them. They only had a 50/50 chance of working, but exile was more certain, so the rooms were eventually abandoned. 

“What am I doing here?” Aziraphale asked. He tried so hard to be angry. Gabriel was standing right before him. The guy who had bullied him and tried to kill him was right there. But he felt nothing. He was just logically curious. 

“Reeducation,” Gabriel announced. He smiled, a soft, peaceful smile. “Execution was the wrong way to go. We see that now. You’re a good angel, Aziraphale. And strong. And we’re very excited to have you back on the team.”

“But I’m not on the team.”

Another smile. “You will be. You just need to be refilled with the love of heavenly light. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.” Gabriel turned and walked to the center of the room. He waved his hand and an armchair appeared, cream colored. “You know the fifty percent that succeeded? They were mine.” He settled down in the chair. He patted his thigh.

“No,” Aziraphale said. Gabriel furrowed his eyebrows at him. It had just been a hint of emotion. Maybe fear? Or guilt? All he knew was that Crowley’s image flashed in his brain and he had a moment of clarity. “I’m not going to sit in your lap.”

Gabriel frowned but stood up. He waved the chair away. “Very well,” he said. “But it is easier if you’re sitting.”

Gabriel walked back over to Aziraphale and wrapped his arms around him. Aziraphale just let it happen. One hand was around his waist, pressing against this lower back, holding their bodies together. The other was on the back of his head, holding it to Gabriel’s shoulder. 

“Just relax,” Gabriel whispered in his ear.

There was a shiver down Aziraphale’s spine at the breath on his skin. And then electricity. It was coursing through his body. It felt like his nerves had been replaced by live wires. It was uncomfortable. Not quite painful, but something he wanted to get away from. It didn’t feel like love, not the way he had come to understand love as. He never felt this way around Crowley.

It got worse as time went on. Light burning at his skin, flashes of it behind his closed eyes. A pain, gentle and everywhere. He whined a bit, tried to move away from Gabriel, the cause of his discomfort.

Gabriel hushed him, patted his hair down. “It’s almost over,” he said. His hand on Aziraphale’s back was strong, holding him tight as he struggled. “Shhh, just a few more seconds.”

Aziraphale’s hands needed something to hold on to so he reached up, fisting Gabriel’s robe in his fingers. “Gabriel…”

“Almost done,” Gabriel whispered. Aziraphale’s knees went weak, his legs shaking under the effort of keeping him up. “You’re doing so good,” Gabriel continued. “You’re taking it wonderfully.”

One finally snap of energy and the electricity in his body was gone. He could still feel the residual after effects. He was shaking, and he became aware of how Gabriel’s strong arms were holding him up. He released the robes from his hold.

“It’s over?” he asked. Gabriel didn’t let go, and he didn’t want him to. He sunk deeper into Gabriel’s embrace, sighing. 

“For now,” Gabriel confirmed. His fingers rubbed under Aziraphale’s hair, massaging his scalp. He started to pull away. 

Aziraphale whimpered and shook his head. He wouldn’t be able to stand on his own. Gabriel pulled back slowly, moving to grab Aziraphale’s elbows, keep him held up. “Excellently done, Aziraphale,” he said, smiling at him.

“What did you mean...by for now?” Aziraphale’s legs were still wobbling. He was starting to regret not taking that chair. 

“It’s going to take time,” Gabriel told him. “You’re very far gone. I almost couldn’t feel Heaven inside of you at all. Your connection is very weak. But don’t worry, I’ll have you feeling better in no time at all. Just be patient.”

Aziraphale nodded and Gabriel let go of him. He was very thankful that he didn’t fall down. He blinked and Gabriel was gone. He looked around the room, still shaking. He wanted to be scared. He should be scared. But he was just numb.

-

Aziraphale had lost count of how much time had passed. He had started counting seconds, minutes, hours, days. There wasn't much else to do in the room anyway. No books. No food. No Crowley. Just an empty room. And an emptier feeling. He should be bored. Shouldn't he?

After at least 2 days, 17 hours, and 15 minutes, Gabriel returned. It was another shock of electricity announcing his arrival and Aziraphale should be pissed. 'Come on,' he told himself. 'You know you should be mad so be mad. Yell at him. Fight. Demand he return you to Earth. To Crowley.' He didn't. He just stood there, waiting.

"How are you feeling, Aziraphale? I'm sorry I was gone for so long. I didn't want to rush things too early. Are you steady?"

Aziraphale wanted to know what he meant by steady. His legs had stopped shaking and his nerves no longer felt like they were going to explode. He nodded.

"Good. Chair?"

Then it happened again. That flash of emotion. That image of Crowley in his mind that seemed to give him the strength to feel something. Aziraphale stepped back, head shaking. "No." He grasped at this burst of feeling and tried to hold onto it for dear life. If he could just keep Crowley in his mind he could fight back.

Gabriel's eyebrows furrowed, his head tilting in surprise. "I had thought you would change your mind after last time but," he shrugged. "You always were strong willed, weren't you?"

No. No. No. It was fading. Crowley was fading. The pull against his emotions seemed to strengthen. It was like the room had a dial on it and someone had just turned it up to eleven. He was calm again, doing nothing as Gabriel approached him.

Gabriel wrapped him up in an embrace again. Aziraphale should be scared. He remembered how it felt last time, and he didn't want it to feel like that again. But he was calm, peaceful as Gabriel's hands held him close.

Aziraphale's eyes closed as it started. It wasn't so bad at the beginning, just those soft pulses of electricity down his spine. He realized that the pain and discomfort he felt had little to do with the corporeal form he was in. This had nothing to do with his human body. This was Gabriel reaching into his soul, repairing the damage that Aziraphale's actions had caused. By refusing the plan Aziraphale had severed his connection to heaven. Of course it was going to hurt putting it back together again.

The pain followed. A little bit worse than last time. But as soon as Aziraphale's body couldn't take it, as soon as a simple groan of discomfort left his lips, the pain was dialed back. Gabriel was reacting to his reactions. He could use that. Well, he would have used that if he wasn't so busy concentrating on keeping himself standing.

"It's going to hurt a little now," Gabriel said, that pain from before returning. Aziraphale held his breath, grasping at Gabriel's robes in a desperate attempt to get him to stop. "Just for a while." His soothing tone did nothing to lessen the pain.

Aziraphale resorted to counting the seconds. Only thirteen. Then there was that snap of fiery electrocution on his skin and the pain stopped.

With still shaking knees, Aziraphale clung to Gabriel for support. "There," Gabriel said, patting down Aziraphale's hair. "Well done. Most angels tend to black out by now. You really are quite strong."

Aziraphale blinked, shaking his head as Gabriel pulled away. Once again, Gabriel did not give in. He stepped back, holding Aziraphale's arms to help steady him. Aziraphale could feel tears threaten his eyes, but the room stopped them. He wished it hadn't. He wanted to cry and he wanted Gabriel to see it.

"I'm really proud of you, Aziraphale," Gabriel said, letting him go. If Aziraphale could think properly he would have let himself fall down. "Already I can feel heaven growing strong inside you."

Aziraphale didn't respond. He just stood there and shook. He tried to think about what it was that had given him that bit of emotion before. He closed his eyes, begging himself to remember, mainly so he could say something to Gabriel before he left.

A static shock in the air. Gabriel was gone.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale opened his eyes, a bit of fire in his chest. But Gabriel was gone. And the room quickly quieted his emotions once more.

-

Even more time had passed before Gabriel was back. This time, when he was offered the chair, Aziraphale took it. But he took it timidly. Gabriel smiled and sat down, holding his arms open. 

Crowley, Aziraphale thought. Crowley. He walked over to Gabriel. It wasn’t working. He couldn’t feel. Not even when he thought about Crowley. Why? Why couldn't he feel anything?

“There you are,” Gabriel said. He took Aziraphale’s hand and helped him down, sitting sideways over Gabriel’s lap. It didn’t feel strange, curling down, pressing his head against Gabriel’s shoulder, relaxing into his hold. But it should.

“Is it going to hurt more?” Aziraphale asked. Not afraid, just curious.

“Yes,” Gabriel said, his whisper sending a shiver over Aziraphale’s skin. “But just a bit at the end. Like last time.”

Aziraphale nodded and let his eyes close, curling closer to Gabriel’s body as it started. It was much easier to handle on the chair. Aziraphale didn’t have to concentrate on keeping himself upright, so he could focus his attention on keeping the pain at bay. It didn’t exactly work, but at least he could let his muscles relax and not worry about falling.

It hurt, at the end, as Gabriel had said it would. But only for seven seconds, before the fire and the release. 

Aziraphale shook in Gabriel’s lap, hands still gripping his robes tight. This time Gabriel didn’t move away. He sat there, holding Aziraphale close, rubbing his head gently. “Another excellent session,” he said.

Aziraphale shivered. “How many more?”

“As many as it takes. But you are doing very well.”

Aziraphale shook his head and curled in closer to Gabriel’s warmth. “I want it to be over.” He really wanted Crowley’s memory to make him feel again. 

“It will be,” Gabriel said. “It takes some time but I promise it’ll all be worth it in the end.”

Aziraphale kept his eyes closed, breathing softly against Gabriel. It was warm. And peaceful. And he believed Gabriel’s words. Because that warm peace was what love was like. So he figured it must be working. He was getting the love of heaven and he was going to be okay.

As Aziraphale felt himself falling asleep, he wondered if Crowley had gone through this. After all, he had been a part of that whole rebellion. Had he done this? Had he sat in Gabriel’s lap and felt the love of heaven?

Probably not. After all, Gabriel’s angels had all been a success. And Crowley had fallen.

-

Gabriel sighed and tapped his finger against the desk. It was concerning. What he had done was concerning. He figured he had just been happy that Aziraphale had accepted his offer to sit that he had allowed him the time to rest. It wouldn’t help him recover any faster, if anything it would help hinder it. But Gabriel couldn’t find it in himself to pull away from Aziraphale last time. He had let him fall asleep, and had left him the chair on his way out.

He tried not to let it mean anything.

There was a soft tap on his open door as Michael walked in. “A moment?”

Gabriel nodded.

“I just wanted to check on the progress Aziraphale was making. It has been quite some time. He should be fixed by now.”

“I know.”

“Something wrong? Perhaps I can help.”

“No. It’s fine. He’s just resisting a little. He’ll be along in no time at all.”

Michael tapped their foot. “The others are tired of waiting, Gabriel. You’re taking too long.” They shook their head. “If you let me help we can have him ready sooner.”

“Absolutely not. If you’ll remember, none of the angels in your care made a successful recovery. That’s why I was chosen to deal with Aziraphale. You and the others will just have to wait.”

Michael pursed their lips, eyes squinting a bit. “Very well.” They turned on their heel and walked away.

Gabriel sighed and rubbed his eyes. He checked the time. It was much too soon to start another session with Aziraphale. He would overload too easily. Perhaps he could just increase the power more next time. He wasn't sure what it was that was making Aziraphale so resistant to the love. Perhaps if he could figure that out he could get rid of it and help Aziraphale recover faster. He decided he had to.

-

Aziraphale hadn’t even been aware that he was sleeping until he was waking up. Something in the air had alerted him to someone’s presence. He didn’t sleep often, because coming out of it was always a bit weird. He blinked and rubbed at his eyes. “Crowley?” he asked. He had fallen asleep next to Crowley had he not?

“Guess again.”

Aziraphale sat up. He had been lying curled up in a chair. Oh yes. He was in heaven. And Gabriel had been holding him. Wait. It hadn’t been Gabriel that spoke.

Aziraphale looked over his shoulder. Michael was standing there. They weren’t wearing robes, just their usual business suit. “Come here.” They pointed to the ground before them.

Aziraphale should be scared. He climbed off the chair and walked over. Michael placed their hand on his head. Aziraphale took a step forward but stopped.

A jolt of electricity ran through his body. But more powerful than anything he had felt before. It crippled him, immobilized his body, caused his knees to go weak. They gave out on him, Michael kneeling next to him as he crumbled to the floor. 

It was a pain like he could never describe. He tried to force himself up, to scramble away from the hand stuck to his head that forced the fire and electricity through his body. His corporeal form couldn’t take it. He could feel himself starting to discorporate. 

“Stop resisting,” Michael hissed, the force of their power even stronger.

Aziraphale couldn’t even scream in pain. All his body seemed to be capable of doing was cry and shake. 

He tried to remember. That name. No. That person. Yes! Crowley! He held onto him. But...no. Who? Who was that he was thinking of? That man with the glasses and the red hair? That man with the smile? Why was he thinking about him? Wait. Who was he thinking about? He had to have a reason. He had to hold onto it. Hold onto what? All he could see was a pair of deep yellow eyes, reptilian and glossy.

The force was gone. The power removed. Aftershocks of it ran through Aziraphale’s body, the pain remaining, maybe even worsening without the stimulation. 

“What are you doing?”

“You’re hurting him!”

“It has to be done.”

Another hand was on him now. Big. Warm. 

“No,” Aziraphale managed to mumble, though he still couldn't open his eyes. “No.” _Please don’t take those eyes away from me._

“You’re going to ruin it! We’ll have to start over.”

“I don’t care.”

What spread from the hand was not pain or fire or electricity. It was warmth, and tingling, and softness. It healed the pain, stopping the shake in Aziraphale’s nerves, drying the tears in his eyes. This, he figured, was what love felt like.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I can do math  
also me: miscalculates 1500 years for 600 years.

Gabriel was beginning to worry. It had been a while since the incident with Michael. Aziraphale still hadn’t woken up. There was a couch in Gabriel’s office now that he rested on. His body had been in bad shape, human form unable to compensate for the sensations that had racked through his true shape. That was the problem with Michael’s tactics. If you did too much, too fast, they would break. Gabriel hoped he had gotten there in time. But with every moment that passed, that hope dwindled.

Finally, Aziraphale woke. He stirred, grabbed his head, groaned, and sat up. “Oh, dear,” he said, looking around. “What happened?”

Gabriel studied him. He looked different. Not physically, of course. He still looked the same in that department. But his mannerisms were different. Well. They were similar, but in a way that Gabriel hadn’t seen in quite some time. 

“How are you feeling?” Gabriel asked.

Aziraphale’s eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, dear,” he repeated. His human body blushed a bit. “How shameful. I’m awfully sorry, Gabriel.”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Aziraphale hummed, looking to the side. “Let’s see...ah yes! I was going to go meet with this Black Knight I had been hearing about. Doing an awful lot of nasty work, I tell you. I don’t remember exactly what happened...he must have taken me by surprise. What a terrible way to get discorporated.”

“Yes. Of course.”

Aziraphale stood up, looking down at his clothes. Gabriel had dressed him back up in his usual attire. He studied it with fascination. “I...suppose I should be going back down now.”

“Not just yet,” Gabriel said. He was doing a good job at holding back the panic in his voice. “There’s a new training protocol we have to go through first. For any angel that gets discorporated. I’m sure you understand.”

Aziraphale looked annoyed but he nodded, sitting on the other side of the desk. He didn’t even try to talk his way out of it. “What do you need me to do?”

“Wait right here.” Gabriel stood up. It was strange to look at him. “I’ll be back.”

Aziraphale complied, sitting still at the desk as Gabriel left the room. It wasn’t right. Aziraphale wasn’t right. He hadn’t been that...agreeable in ages. It seemed that as time went on, so to did Aziraphale’s acts of rebellion. Honestly, him stopping the apocalypse wasn’t much of a surprise.

“What did you do?” Gabriel asked, storming into Michael’s office. 

“I take it he’s awake?” They were standing by their desk, as if waiting for him.

“And he doesn’t remember anything from the last few hundred years.”

Michael smiled and sat down. “You’re welcome.”

“You call this a success?”

“Why not? He’s back to normal. And you don’t have to worry about the demon’s influence over him anymore. Of course it’s a win.”

Gabriel frowned. He couldn't actually argue against that. Especially since the only argument he could think of was the fact that it just felt wrong. Things feeling wrong didn’t go too far in heaven. It had to actually be wrong, and everything that Michael just said was what they had wanted.

“Leave him to me from now on,” Gabriel warned. Not that it mattered. The damage was already done. Michael had nothing else to do with him anyway.

-

Aziraphale passed Gabriel’s fake training with a pleasant little smile. “I really should head back,” he said. “That Black Knight certainly can’t be left unchecked.”

“Do you remember anything of this black knight?” Gabriel leaned back in his chair, trying to figure out the best way to approach this situation.

Aziraphale shook his head. “I’m afraid not.” Wow, he had really been bad at lying in the past.

“Anything at all could help us locate and identify him. If he was able to defeat you, you may need assistance moving forward.”

Aziraphale looked down, playing with the sleeves of his coat. “It’s just that...well...I feel…” he sighed, body deflating against the chair. “I feel like I have to protect it.” And so much more willing.

“Protect what?”

“I do remember something about him. But I feel like saying something about it would be wrong.”

Things feeling wrong rarely went far in heaven. Gabriel nodded. “Very well.”

Aziraphale looked up at him surprised. “R-really?” He shook his head. “I’ll be getting back then?”

“Hold on, Aziraphale.” Gabriel stood up, holding out a hand to stop Aziraphale from leaving. “There’s something you need to know.”

Aziraphale, half way up, sat back down. He remained silent. Waiting.

Gabriel cleared his throat. There was really no need for Aziraphale to know the truth. “There was some...trouble, getting you a new body. You’ve been gone for a couple hundred years.”

“I’m sorry?”

“It’s been around fifteen hundred years or so. Things have changed on Earth. A lot.”

Aziraphale’s mouth opened slightly. “I…” He gulped. “I’m still going back, though. Yes?”

“If you want. You might want to take some time to familiarize yourself with new customs and everything.”

Aziraphale nodded. “Yes. I think I should.”

“I’m sorry, Aziraphale.” Aziraphale’s attention snapped to him. He had a right to be confused. There was no need for Gabriel to apologize for Aziraphale getting discorporated. But that was a lie, and not what he was apologizing for. “I’ll put together some Earth information for you.”

“...Thank you. That would be...very helpful.”

-

Things had changed indeed. Gabriel had changed in the last few hundred years. Aziraphale wished he could have been there to witness it. But whatever had happened had made Gabriel much easier to deal with. And like. He had even gone so far as to make that bookshop that Aziraphale had been talking about building as a base of operations. 

Walking around, studying it, Aziraphale was impressed. He hadn’t thought that Gabriel was particularly in tune with his style, but the bookshop looked exactly as Aziraphale had dreamed it would. He had even kept it stocked well with first editions of newer books. Aziraphale smiled. He may have a lot to learn about this new age, but at least he had a good place to research.

There was a scuffle and Aziraphale jumped. He rounded the shelves, hoping that no vermin or critters of some sort were living here. A man was slumped against the wall. He was surrounded by empty alcohol bottles and was gripping a piece of paper tight in one hand.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale asked. He did look sort of like the demon.

The man startled, eyebrows high on his face, glasses slightly askew. He breathed hard for a moment. “Aziraphale?” His voice was broken and soft.

“You are still going by Crowley these days aren’t you?”

Crowley jumped up, the bottles around him knocking about, glass ringing in the air. He wrapped his arms around Aziraphale and held him tight. Was he crying? “Where were you?”

“Oh. Well, it’s a bit embarrassing, I have to say.” Crowley was still hugging him. Aziraphale figured he should push him away, but for some reason he couldn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself to hug him back, however much his arms ached to. “It’s rather silly but...I got discorporated.”

“What?” Crowley pulled back, still holding Aziraphale’s arms in a vice grip, paper crumpling against his jacket. “How?”

“Well, there was this knight you see. Spreading ferment in Wessex. I’m afraid he got the upper hand on me. And well.” He shrugged. “Had some trouble getting a new body is all.”

“Aziraphale.” Crowley’s grip loosened and he looked him up and down. “Please, please tell me this is all some kind of really terrible joke.”

“Of course not. Why would I joke about something like that?”

Crowley’s voice dropped to a whisper. “What did they do to you?”

“It was nice to see you again,” Aziraphale said. He reached up and gently pulled Crowley’s arms off him. Crowley swayed a bit on his feet, face open wide in shock. “But I really must get to work. I have a lot of catching up to do.”

“It’s not true!” Crowley dropped the note, grabbed him again. “None of that is true!”

“What are you going on about?” Aziraphale asked. He tried to struggle out of Crowley’s hold but he couldn’t. He felt a little afraid. He wasn’t completely confident in himself right now, considering what had happened. If a simple knight could destroy him...he shuddered at the thought of what a demon could do.

“Aziraphale the black knight did not discorporate you!”

“And how, exactly, would you know that?”

“Because I was the black knight!”

Aziraphale stopped struggling. “You were the black knight?” Crowley nodded. Any fear he had left his body. “Well I never!” He jerked himself free. “I knew you were a demon but I never thought you’d stoop to something as low as discorporating me.”

“What? Aziraphale, that never happened!”

“I’m going to have to kindly ask you to leave.” Aziraphale pointed towards the door. “Before I have to ask unkindly.”

Crowley’s body was hunched over, as if his stomach was in pain. His mouth was open, jaw quivering. “Aziraphale-”

“I won’t tell you again. Get out.”

Crowley blinked and disappeared. Aziraphale sighed and smoothed out his clothes. To think. Crowley, of all people, the foe who had discorporated him. The very idea made him sick. He busied himself by cleaning up the mess on the floor. He picked up the paper and studied it. It looked like his own handwriting. It simply said ‘Good Bye’. 

-

Aziraphale was busy studying. So much had happened. Humans had been awfully busy in the last hundred or so years, it seemed. Aziraphale was overwhelmed with information. He would never forgive Crowley for making him lose so much time. 

A sound filled the air and Aziraphale startled. It was high-pitched and shrill. He wandered around the shop until he located the source of the noise. It was a box of sorts on a small table. He tilted his head, studying it. Why was it making so much noise? Then it wasn’t making any noise. Aziraphale shrugged, hoping it wouldn’t do it again.

A beep. And then Crowley’s voice. “We need to talk.”

“Crowley?”

“I know those bastards in heaven did something to you.”

Aziraphale gasped and looked around. “You shouldn’t say such things!”

“I know I can fix everything. Just meet me at the bandstand.”

The box beeped. “Where?...Crowley, can you hear me?”

Aziraphale frowned. He picked up the box. Crowley had gotten himself in there somehow. He turned it over, looking for him somewhere. Something fell off, connected to the box by a wire of sorts. Aziraphale set the box back down, ignoring the lower, quieter buzz that came from the smaller thing. Then he went to go find out what a bandstand was.

-

Aziraphale sighed in equal relief and anger as he finally found Crowley. He was standing in the center of the bandstand, arms crossed. 

“You could have been more specific,” Aziraphale said as he approached. "I've been all over the place looking for you."

Crowley shrugged. “Sorry. Figured you’d remember.”

“I’ve been discorporated for fifteen hundred years,” Aziraphale said. He didn’t step onto the stand, just stood next to it. “How could I remember what never happen.”

“Because it did happen!” 

Crowley growled and rushed forward, catching Aziraphale by surprise and pulling him into a kiss. Aziraphale muffled a gasp against him and tried to pull away. But Crowley didn’t let go until quite some time had passed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Aziraphale hissed. His body shook. Mainly because the kiss had been nice. It had felt right. Which was wrong. 

“That happened,” Crowley said. “You and I happened. We saved the world and we got together and those fuckers up there ruined it! They wiped your memory or something.”

“I think you’re confused-”

“No! You’re the one who’s confused!”

Aziraphale opened his mouth. Clearly, Crowley was wrong. They had not dated, and they wouldn’t. They were hereditary enemies, after all. But...denying that felt wrong. And he wasn’t sure what to do with that feeling.

“Prove it.”

“What?”

“If what you say is true, then prove it. I want physical evidence.”

Crowley patted his pockets down. “I don’t...I don’t have anything…”

“Well. Then I suppose you are confused. Good night.” Aziraphale turned to leave. He had enough on his mind playing catch up with humanity, he didn’t need this from Crowley on top of it all.

“Wait!” Crowley grabbed his arm, holding him back. His glasses slid down his nose a bit. Something yellow peaked out from them.

Aziraphale reached up with his free hand and pulled the glasses away. His eyes. They were yellow, and reptilian, and gorgeous. He knew those eyes. Those were the eyes he remembered from before. (Confirming Crowley as the black knight). Those were the eyes that Aziraphale felt the deep, innate desire to protect.

“I know I can prove it,” Crowley said, voice strained. “I don’t have anything but I can prove it. Please just let me prove it.”

Aziraphale could not stop staring at his eyes. How could he say no to them? He couldn't. He nodded. Crowley’s body relaxed.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow,” he said. “I promise, you’ll see.”

They stared at each other for a moment longer. Then Crowley took his glasses back and disappeared. Aziraphale licked his lips, mouth going dry. This was a bad idea. He told himself it was. He had to convince himself it was because it felt right. Which made it wrong. Right?

He turned to leave and smacked into Gabriel, who reached out to help steady him. 

“Gabriel! What a surprise.” Aziraphale tried to smile. He hoped Gabriel hadn’t seen what just happened. Heaven knows what would happen to him if he was seen kissing a demon.

“Just wanted to check up,” Gabriel said. “Make sure you’re adjusting well.”

Aziraphale nodded, Gabriel’s hands releasing him, coming to a fold before him. “Yes. A lot to learn. But making good progress.”

Gabriel nodded. “I’d be more than happy to help. Perhaps I could come by tomorrow-

“No! I mean. I appreciate the offer. But I’m really doing fine. I promise I’ll contact you if I need any assistance.”

Gabriel gave him a disapproving look. Aziraphale’s smile dropped. “Perhaps it was too soon for you to come back.”

“It’s not too soon at all! I...I would love it if you came by.” He put up his smile again, already trying to think of a way to contact Crowley and let him know.

“No. You’re right. You’re doing fine. Let me know if you need anything. And remember,” he placed a hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder, “you can always come back if you need to.”

Aziraphale nodded and waited for Gabriel to disappear. He was a bundle of nerves. Nerves on fire. He figured it was best to not think about tomorrow, and to just get on with his research. There was so, so much to learn.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can take my 'crowley is a vegetarian' hc out of my cold dead hands!

Crowley had tried to sleep. But it was impossible. His mind could stop going over the events of yesterday in his head. Weeks ago he had stopped by the bookshop for a dinner date he had with Aziraphale. He had found not the angel but simply a note on the table saying Goodbye. Crowley had panicked, obviously.

He had searched all over Earth to no avail. He didn’t want to think about Aziraphale going back to heaven so he searched the stars. Maybe Aziraphale had gone to Alpha Centauri after all, by himself. He hadn’t. He hadn’t gone anywhere physical, it seemed. Aziraphale had returned to heaven as Crowley had feared. Aziraphale had left him.

What else was there to do but drink and be generally depressed? He wasn’t aware of the passing time except that it passed without Aziraphale. And then Aziraphale was back. And different. Similar, like he had been in the past. He hadn’t gone to heaven; heaven had stolen him and wiped his memory. 

Those fuckers.

Crowley’s anxiety over the situation turned to anger as he tossed and turned in bed. He had to get some sleep. He had to give his brain a rest from over thinking things. If he didn’t, he’d be an over-anxious mess for his day with Aziraphale. He was going to take him to all their usual places. It was all he knew to do. He cursed himself for never taking any pictures or writing any letters or getting any souvenirs. He could only prove himself to Aziraphale through memories. Memories that Aziraphale didn’t have.

Crowley growled and curled himself up into a ball. He had to do it. He had to prove to Aziraphale that they belonged together. Because that was really all he had.

-

Aziraphale stood outside the bookshop, worrying the bottom of his vest. He was still getting used to these new clothes Gabriel had given him. They were comfortable, but there were so many layers. It was like being in a full suit of armor but without the added protection. 

A black car pulled to a screeching halt by him and Aziraphale stepped back. He had read that cars could run people over. It looked terribly uncomfortable. The door on the other side of the car opened and Crowley’s head peaked out over the top of the car. 

“Hey, angel,” he said. He was trying to smile but it didn’t exactly work. “Hop in.”

Aziraphale looked down at the car. Hop in. He wasn’t sure how to do that. He probably couldn’t jump to the top of the car. It was much too tall. Perhaps he could jump onto the little bit sticking out in the back? It didn’t look like a very safe way to move around. Especially considering how fast he knew these things could go.

Crowley was beside him, opening the door before him. Aziraphale’s mouth fell open in understanding. “And you don’t actually have to hop,” Crowley told him.

“Thank you.” Aziraphale climbed inside and sat down, looking over all the bits of the car as Crowley got back behind the wheel. “So, where are we headed?”

The car started to move, quite quick, pushing Aziraphale against the chair. His eyes opened wide, and his corporeal form found breathing a bit difficult, especially as its heart started to beat faster.

“I figured lunch at the Ritz and then a walk around the park,” Crowley said. His attention was focused on the road, eyes covered by those sunglasses. Aziraphale reached over and plucked them off. Crowley blinked at the sunlight but didn’t say anything. His jaw did tighten, however. 

Aziraphale just found it was a lot easier to believe him when he could see those eyes. “So, if you didn’t discorporate me back in Wessex, then what did happen when we met. Considering, of course, this isn’t all some elaborate lie.”

“It’s not a lie,” Crowley growled, hands tightening their grip on the steering wheel. “I asked you to work with me.”

“Work with you? Well, I can hardly believe you’d think an angel would really stoop so low as to do demon work.” Aziraphale tutted at him. He had to be lying.

“Well one angel did,” Crowley answered, with a bit of a snarl.

“I don’t know who replaced me when I was gone but they really should be reported.”

“It was you,” Crowley said. He was hissing. Which Aziraphale found...charming. He would certainly never say that, of course.

“Perhaps you’ve just been having a daydream,” Aziraphale suggested. “Something to keep you entertained in your down time?”

The car came to a stop and Aziraphale threw his hands out against the dashboard to steady himself. 

“We’re here,” Crowley announced, getting out of the car and slamming his door. 

Aziraphale took a moment to catch his breath before following him. Crowley had another pair of sunglasses on, Aziraphale noted, as they entered the restaurant. He figured it made sense. Humans could be sensitive to something as wonderful as those eyes.

They were sat down at a table and given menus. Aziraphale’s eyes scanned over it. He knew he had missed out on a lot of food but this was something else. There were so many choices, and each sounded scrumptious.

“Oh my,” Aziraphale said. “I simply can’t decide.”

“So get it all,’ Crowley suggested. He was watching Aziraphale, his menu untouched. 

“No, no.” Aziraphale smiled at him. “If we really were dating, we’ve probably eaten out a lot, yes?” Crowley scoffed. “So order something for me I’d like.”

“You’d like it all,” Crowley said.

Aziraphale folded his menu and set it back on the table, looking at Crowley expectantly. “So then my favorite.”

Crowley frowned. He shifted in his seat and looked down at the menu. Minutes passed. Aziraphale figured. He sighed, a little disappointed, but not entirely surprised.

“That settles it, then, I suppose.” He went to stand up.

“Just give me a minute!” Crowley snapped. 

Aziraphale sat back down. Crowley’s hands were tight around the menu, his knuckles white. His jaw was quivering. Aziraphale reached for the sunglasses but Crowley pulled away. Aziraphale huffed.

“If you want me to wait you’ll have to get rid of the sunglasses.”

Crowley whipped them off, tossing them on the table and setting his jaw in a hard, unmoving line. He was crying. And Aziraphale felt both sad and guilty. He was supposed to be protecting those eyes. That was the only thing he was sure of. He wasn’t supposed to be making them cry. 

“I’ll just...pick something,” he said. He picked up the glasses and handed them back over. Crowley didn’t look at him as he took them and placed them back on, folding his arms and settling himself in his chair.

Aziraphale ordered the first thing off the menu and it was delicious. Crowley didn’t get anything to eat, but he did get them some wine that went just perfectly with Aziraphale’s meal. And there was something oddly familiar about eating while Crowley watched him. It should be weird but it wasn’t. But then Aziraphale remembered that time they had gone out to get Oysters back in Rome. Crowley had said something about not eating animals or something like that and had just watched as Aziraphale enjoyed himself. That was probably why it felt familiar.

Crowley didn’t say anything as Aziraphale ate, and he was a little thankful. He was too busy enjoying the tastes and textures of the food to concentrate on a conversation. Crowley paid for him, which Aziraphale thought was very kind seeing as how he didn’t have anything himself. It could also just be part of the plot Crowley was clearly planning. 

Crowley still didn’t say anything as they walked their way over to the park and now it was getting worrisome. 

“Is everything alright, my dear?” Aziraphale asked. Then he covered his mouth. “I’m terribly sorry. It just slipped out.” Crowley most certainly was not his dear.

“‘M fine,” Crowley mumbled. Aziraphale knew that was a lie.

“If this is about the menu-”

“I said I’m fine.”

Crowley sped up, walking ahead of Aziraphale. Aziraphale frowned and followed him. Something about this felt familiar as well. It was strange. How much just being with Crowley felt good. Felt right. But it was wrong. Crowley was a demon. He was an enemy. He was THE enemy. And this story about them working together, stopping the Great Plan, dating? It was ridiculous. And thinking about it made Aziraphale feel warm. 

“You know, I’m not sure how this is helping you prove your point,” Aziraphale said, catching up to Crowley, who slowed his pace.

Crowley took a deep breath. “Yeah. Sorry.” Aziraphale felt a deep, intense desire to talk to Crowley. To know what was on his mind. To understand him. To find out what was wrong. So he could fix it.

“Did we hold hands?” Aziraphale asked.

Crowley’s face flushed and if Aziraphale didn’t know any better he would say it was cute. But he did know better. “Uh, I mean, yeah? We do but…”

“But?”

“We usually link arms.”

“Like this?”

Aziraphale slipped his arm around Crowley’s. It felt nice. That same warmth at the prospect of dating. It felt right, no matter how wrong Aziraphale knew it was. 

Crowley made a choked little noise. “Yeah. That.”

Aziraphale hummed as they walked. Crowley didn’t speak but it felt normal. Familiar again. Aziraphale looked around at the park, smiling. It was mid afternoon and the colors of the trees and flowers were stupendous. And being on Crowley’s arm was lovely. He could walk around like this forever and be perfectly content.

But life rarely worked out in Aziraphale’s favor. He could see the end of the park, leading back out to the street where Crowley’s car was. He didn’t want this...date?...to end. He felt at peace. More than he’s ever been since he got back to Earth. He didn’t want to believe Crowley. He didn’t want to believe that Heaven had kidnapped him. That he had had such a wonderful little life and the angels had taken that away from him. They wouldn’t. They simply wouldn’t.

But the opposite was equally terrible. The opposite suggested that Crowley was lying to him. That he had been discorporated and away from Earth for 1500 years and that this was some plan on Crowley’s part to get him to fall or something. 

Aziraphale bit his lip. He didn’t know what to believe. Both options were equally disturbing. Maybe Gabriel had been right. Maybe it was too soon to come back. He was distracted with his research on Earth. He was letting it confuse him.

Crowley drove him home and Aziraphale decided he wouldn’t decide. At least not now. He needed more time to adjust to his new life. 

Crowley walked him to the door. “I know it wasn’t exactly the best proof,” he said. “But if you just give me another chance-”

Aziraphale held a hand up, stopping him. “Please, let me talk. I don’t want to hurt you, of course.”

“Here comes the part where you hurt me,” Crowley mumbled.

Aziraphale swallowed the bile that rose in his throat. Because he most certainly did not want to hurt him. But he had to. It was only a little hurt, after all. “I think that for now it’s best if you just stayed away. I have a lot of catching up to do on all this Earth...stuff. And I really can’t commit to playing any games with you until I get settled.”

“But it’s not a game,” Crowley hissed. He grabbed Aziraphale’s arms. “Please, Aziraphale. You have to believe me!”

“Crowley…”

Crowley dropped to his knees. He wrapped his arms around Azriaphale's waist and hugged him tight, face buried in his hip. “Please, Aziraphale. Don’t do this!”

Aziraphale stiffened and looked around at the others on the street, who were all very aware of the scene. “Crowley, please. Pull yourself together.”

Crowley started to cry, tears wetting the bottom of Aziraphale’s vest. “How? How can I ever be whole again when you’re taking away the only thing in my life that makes any sense?”

Gabriel was right. It was simply too soon for Aziraphale to come back. He couldn't handle this. He couldn’t handle Earth with all its new changes. He couldn’t handle Crowley and this little voice in his head telling him that they were supposed to be together. He just couldn’t.

He blinked and he was gone. Leaving Crowley alone on the street. He wasn’t terribly proud of it. But it was the only thing he could think to do.

-

“You were right!”

Gabriel startled and looked up from his report. He hadn’t heard anyone come in. The door to his office was still closed. Aziraphale had let himself in, it seemed. “I’m sorry?”

“It was too soon for me to go back to Earth. I’d like to return to Heaven, please.”

Gabriel should be happy. This was what he wanted. But Aziraphale didn’t look right. He looked like he was crying, even if he wasn’t. “Of course.” Gabriel only felt strange. Wrong. 

Aziraphale sighed, his face relaxing a bit. 

“What changed?” Gabriel asked. “You were so certain about staying.”

Aziraphale’s lip quivered a bit. A terrible liar indeed. “I just got overwhelmed by all there is to catch up on. Heaven hasn’t changed much, and I fell I’d adjust better up here. M-maybe one day I could go back. When I’m better that is.”

Gabriel frowned. Fixing Aziraphale was supposed to make him better. He was supposed to be better. But now he was worse. “We’ll find somewhere for you,” he said. Aziraphale nodded, and didn’t move. “Something else the matter?”

Aziraphale opened his mouth, then closed it, shaking his head. “No. I’m fine.”

They set him up as the manager of field agents. It’s what he was supposed to do back when they had tried to bring him in. Gabriel couldn’t help but think about what would have happened if he did manage to get Aziraphale back. But there was no time to dwell on the past. He had to deal with the now.

And right now Aziraphale was perfect. He was obedient, and subservient. He did what he was told when he was told to do it. He didn’t argue, he didn’t speak back, he didn’t question.

And it _pissed Gabriel off._

Yes. This was what he had wanted. He wanted Aziraphale back. He wanted him in heaven. He wanted him working for them again. But not like this. Everyone else seemed to be happy and content with this new change. But Gabriel was not. He wanted Aziraphale to work for them. 

And this was not Aziraphale.

Aziraphale was a good angel. This thing in his office was a good worker. And yes, there was a difference. Gabriel was a good worker. He did what he had to do. He followed orders. He knew how to get what needed to be done, done. It worked for him. He didn’t have to think about what was right and wrong. He was an angel. What he did was right. And he did what he had to do. 

Aziraphale was never like that. He did his job. But he did his _job_. His job as an angel, not his job as was handed to him. He loved and he helped. It was why he was made a field agent in the first place. Gabriel knew the kinds of miracles he made. Sure, sometimes they got a bit frivolous. But he was never going to chastise Aziraphale for fixing someone’s broken bone or stop a carriage from running into the street. That was his job. 

This non-Aziraphale in his office did not do his job. He was distracted. He didn’t care. He wasn’t him.

And Gabriel had to fix that. 

“What are we doing here?” Aziraphale asked. He hadn’t said or done anything as Gabriel took him back to the bookshop. He had not given it to Aziraphale’s replacement. It didn’t feel right.

“I have something I need to do,” Gabriel said. “Do you remember that thing about the black knight?” he asked. “What you could recall from the day you were...well from back then?”

Aziraphale nodded. He looked a little worried, the familiarizes of his emotions and expressions returning. 

“I need you to think about it, okay?” 

“Think about it?”

“Yes. Close your eyes and think about it.”

Aziraphale hesitated for a moment, and then he closed his eyes. A good worker, doing what he was told. Gabriel sighed. He placed his hands on the side of Aziraphale’s head.

Human brains were easy. They were weak. You could destroy their memories and give them fake ones with the snap of a finger. Angel brains were more complex. You couldn’t actually destroy a memory. Could only hide it. Could only convince it to not be recalled. Not even an Archangel could actually remove them. Not even Michael.

And Gabriel would find them.

Because he had never meant to erase Crowley. That wasn’t his goal with bringing Aziraphale back. He knew Aziraphale loved him. He could feel it, after all. He had first felt it at that airbase but there was so much love coming from so many sources he didn’t have the time to untangle it all. 

But then he had felt it here. In a little room above the shop. The night they had come to take Aziraphale home. He had been in bed with the demon. Cuddling. And the amount of love radiating off of them, off of both of them, had almost knocked Gabriel over. He almost didn’t go through with it. If the others hadn’t been there, he might not have.

He didn’t want to get rid of Crowley, just get Aziraphale back. He really didn’t care if Aziraphale fraternized with him. As far as he knew, Crowley had disowned hell as Aziraphale had disowned them. Besides. It wasn’t like they hadn’t teamed up with the opposition. All he wanted was for Aziraphale to do his job. To fight the good fight. To help humanity and Earth. 

But Aziraphale wasn’t doing that from heaven. 

Finding the memories of Crowley was a bit like playing cat and mouse. Michael had done very well. Every time Gabriel thought he was getting close, the memories danced away. Gabriel growled. He tried ordering them to stay still, but they weren’t particularly obedient. That was the Aziraphale Gabriel knew.

“Get your fucking hands off him!”

Gabriel was shoved to the side. He had gotten caught off guard and stumbled away, Aziraphale blinking wildly, still stuck in their metaphysical embrace.

Crowley was standing between the two of them, face red, hands fisted, staring Gabriel down with murderous intent.

“I’m trying to help him,” Gabriel explained. 

“Yeah like you helped him when you wiped his memory!”

“That wasn’t me.” Gabriel had been, sort of, responsible for it. It was his idea to capture Aziraphale and use the calming room to fix him. 

“Bullshit! What more do you hope to even do! Erase all of his memories?”

Gabriel sighed. There was no use arguing with a demon. He was an archangel. This little demon was nothing. He waved his hand and Crowley stumbled to the side, foot tripping over the other, falling to the floor.

“No!” 

Gabriel and Crowley both looked to Aziraphale. 

“Don’t hurt him.”

Gabriel squinted and looked him over. He hadn’t gotten the memories back. But he had left the channel open. Or rather, been forced to leave it open. Had Aziraphale found them himself?

“Angel?” Crowley asked. He was trying to get up, but Gabriel’s power was still holding him down. Aziraphale gave Gabriel a look and he relented, Crowley jumping to his feet. “Are you okay?”

Aziraphale smiled. It was a smile that Gabriel had never seen before. Real and genuine. And oh so full of love. “I’m perfectly fine, my dear.” He placed a hand on Crowley’s cheek and the demon melted into the touch. “I’m very sorry to have worried you.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Crowley growled and tilted his head to glare at Gabriel. 

“And it wasn’t his either,” Aziraphale said. He also looked at Gabriel. But he wasn’t glaring. He wasn’t exactly soft and loving either.

Crowley scoffed. “I bet he made you think that.” He shuddered and stepped closer. “Send him away, angel.”

“I appreciate your help,” Aziraphale said. “But you should get back to work.”

Gabriel stayed for a moment. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to talk to Aziraphale. He wanted to ask if they could still work together. If Aziraphale was still going to do his job. If Gabriel could come to him if he needed help with something. But Gabriel was a good worker. And it wasn’t his job to question.

-

Crowley hadn’t let go of Aziraphale in hours. Eventually Aziraphale had managed to get him over to the couch, sitting with Crowley’s head in his lap, stroking fingers through his hair. Crowley had stopped crying, thankfully. Aziraphale just hated it when he cried.

“How are you doing, my darling?” he asked. Crowley shifted, turning on his side and burying his face against Aziraphale’s stomach. He mumbled, but nothing of real words.

Aziraphale leaned down and kissed his temple. “I have lots to make up for, don’t I? I’m so terribly sorry for leaving you alone all this time.”

Crowley scoffed. “You say that as if it was your fault.” Crowley had eventually let Aziraphale explain that Michael was the one who had wiped his memory. Still didn’t get him to let up on Gabriel any.

Aziraphale frowned. He wasn’t sure what to feel about Gabriel. He had kidnapped him. But he had healed him when Michael hurt him. And had eventually helped him get his memories back. It was a very complicated scenario.

Crowley’s breath deepened and Aziraphale looked back down. He was asleep. He did that when he was overworked. Aziraphale kissed him again. He deserved his rest. Aziraphale couldn’t imagine if Crowley ever forgot about him. No he just couldn’t stand it.

“Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale looked over his shoulder. Gabriel was standing behind the couch. He glanced back down at Crowley, making sure he was still asleep. 

“Gabriel.”

Gabriel didn’t move. But Aziraphale really didn’t have anything to say. They stared at each other for a few minutes. 

“I just have some...paperwork for you to fill out,” Gabriel said. 

Aziraphale cocked an eyebrow. “Paperwork?”

“From the management job.” 

“Oh. Well, where is it?”

Gabriel blinked. He wasn’t carrying anything. “Must have forgotten it.” He smiled, unnatural and weird. “I’d forget my own head if it wasn’t attached.”

If it wouldn't have woken up Crowley, Aziraphale would have laughed. “What did you really come here for Gabriel? I’m not going to go back to heaven and I’m afraid that if you try to kidnap me again you’ll find it won’t be as easy.”

“That’s all,” Gabriel said. 

“That’s all?”

“Yes. That’s what I came for.”

“Then why are you still here?”

“You may still be an angel but don’t get any ideas,” Gabriel said, his face turning stern. “We still get reports on your miracle usage. And if we find that you’re using them for any frivolous or untoward activities we will take action.”

Aziraphale grinned gently. “No need to worry about that,” he said. “As you said. I am still an angel.”

Gabriel’s face flickered a bit, a passing hint of happiness. “Good.” He disappeared.

Aziraphale sighed and turned his attention back to Crowley. To the warm and soft feeling of love. It had been a long battle getting here, to this point, to this life of peace and love. But he was here. And if anyone ever tried to take that away from him again, they would find themselves regretting it deeply.


End file.
